Tuesday, October 10, 2006

All Drewed Up...

Hello world,

I was gonna do a Monday Morning QB about all the weekends games, but Brad Johnson gave me this Chinese Finger Trap and set me in front of this video:

So needless to say, I've been a bit distracted... ANYWHO... I'm breaking down 5 games in which, me, DREW, woulda been the best player on the field.

1)Browns 12-Panthers 20: Now a rectal thermometer from a European hospital is fun, but watching a dude from the University of Akron throw the ball 43 times is spleen-splitting (THAS FO MA BOI, CHRIS). Now, I gotta admit I had fun watching this game... I like seeing QBs get hit (INJURIES=chances for Drew), but I mean... everyone knows the Browns woulda scored more than 12 points if I'd been behind center... With a recieving corps fit for the pre-forward pass 1908 Yale Bulldogs, I coulda rocked Carolina, all by myself... Dennis Northcutt, I'm talking to YOU (fuck yo' ribs). Phil Dawson, you are my hero...

2)Buccaneers 21-Saints 0-NFL is rigging this shit 24: I have a spleen and I'm not a polak... Jon Gruden, my cell is 918-456-0245... give me a ring-a-ling, k? And seriously, the NFL is rigging this... Saints win the Katrina Lombardi Trophy... seriously Jon... I'm cold and lonely... and Brad Johnson stole my coloring books... HELP ME! I mean wtf? Gradkowski? Can't a Michigan boy get a break? DAMN.

3)Bills 7-Bears-40: JP Losman is about as good as the cupcakes old ladies give you when you go trick or treating... full of poison and syringes... so why does Buffalo insist on staring him above ME? Your guess is as good as mine, but I know somewhere Doug Flutie is rolling in his grave... I mean, throwing the ball only 27 TIMES in a game you are losing by 8,975,684 points is pretty awful, but the fact that Peerless Price even got the ball once is even worse. So, next week, Dick Jauron, how abouts, let's say, throwing the ball 30 times... baby steps, baby steps... and don't even start with the McGahee talk... Will Allen (Ohio State alum) left this message for you Willis:

I would talk about the Bears, too... but Brian Griese got to play, and we all know where he went to school... so kudos to you Lovie Smith... and to you Dick Jauron, somewhere Mike Mularkey is laughing pretty hard... at you.

4)Cowboys 24-Eagles 38: I learned three things from this game... 1) This man: , is a huge douchebag... BLITZ EVERY DOWNZ... hahahaha 2) Beethoven and Ray Charles would handle themselves in the pocket much better than a certain other Drew... Drew, just one question for you, which hurts less... a throw away or a sack? I mean, I went to NFL Europe to figure it out, maybe you should too... Also, Drew, I'd just like to let you know that Lito Sheppard is not on your team, it woulda been nice... seeing as he caught one less pass from you than TO, but whatever... you got your ring already, so who cares. Bill Parcells, Tony is crying somewhere... how about making him feel better... 3) LJ Smith is the best tackler in the NFL. The DeMarcus Ware runback was easily Dallas' best offensive posession of the game. No chances for mistakes, just run... oh wait... run? Drew Bledsoe ran for a touchdown... I was hoping that might knock some sense into him, or at least, you know, knock him out... but, alas, I am still in Minnesota... and he is still starting...

Oh, and Mat McBriar makes Australia sad...

I <3 you Cowboys, but you don't <3 me back... so fuck all ya'll...

5)Dolphins 10- Patriots 20: Now as happy as this makes everyone... this quote makes me even happier: "He'll put his career on the line for this team. You have to admire that in the guy." Yeah, I guess you better admire that, because it's pretty hard to admire those two picks he threw... but in all honesty, NICK SABAN, why, oh why, did Joey throw the ball 41 times? Ronnie Brown wants to set in the front of the bus, too... you know. Even against, the defence that Jesus blessed or some horseshit like that... 39 yards? COME ON! Nicky-poo that's on you. Ronnie, I'm here for you... We both know Nick is pulling this shit cause you went to Auburn... Now, back to Joey... We all want to love you, so please stop playing and let me remember you for this, PLZ? Now, next week, Nick, just go out... buy a JUGS machine, and practice with... hell let Joey operate it... but make sure Daunte doesn't touch it, ever, ever again...

Well, that's all for this week folks... what a fun weekend... so everyone email the Dolphins for me PLZ, PLZ... I need to feed my children...

Next week: NBA Preview... Shawn Kemp featured

Yours in God,

Drew Daniel Henson

3 comments:

Shane said...

now that real drew henson got cut...

well, you know where i'm going with this

alexandre said...

babygirl, don't be so bitter. life is rad.

Shane said...

life is rad, but this post is far from it

also i think i would know that life is rad better than you would

life also includes a multitude of emotions, both good and bad, and bitterness is perfectly normal, especially in a situation in which it's justified.