This weekend in the NFL

Panthers 26, Buccanneers 24- Football Outsiders ran a pretty amazing piece about how those "must win" week 3 games are not all that far-fetched. The Panthers will take that 33% chance of the playoffs, thanks mainly to John Kasay's long field goals. Chris Simms had to get his spleen removed after the game; I hope the doctor arranged it in Kyle Shanahans initials. Bruce Gradkowski threw one of the prettiest passes you'll ever see, bringing his career line to 2-6 for 20 yards.

Bears 19, Vikings 16- All the scoring in this game came from the arm of Rex Grossman and the legs of Robbie Gould and Ryan Longwell. Gould, coming off one of the worst years in the NFL among full-time starting kickers (21-27, none over 45 yards, and 3-8 from beyond 40), has started the year 10-10, with 4 of those from beyond 40 yards. Brad Johnson threw for only 191 yards, but is still perfect on all decisions this year according to Joe Theismann, so that counts for something.

Bengals 28, Steelers 20- The Bengals really sneaked by on this one, as Pittsburghs running game was beating them at the point of attack. Willie Parker ran for 141 yards, and Joey Porter ran for 200 more because I have a ton of respect for him and I don't want him to let his dogs out near my property. Chad Johnson only caught 1 pass, so if you missed 85 this week (and there was nothing you could do), I don't think you'll have any easier of a time finding him on the NFL Network replays.

Green Bay 31, Detroit 24- The oddsmakers had the Lions as 7 point favorites for this game, begging the question of how many of them actually watched last weeks game as opposed to blindly accepting Roy Williams guarantee. I don't blame them, who'd want to watch the Lions anyway? Oh yeah, Brett Favre threw his 400th touchdown, I'd like to thank him in advance for setting up an awesome ATS run for me as people start to believe that the old Favre is back.

Indianapolis 21, Jacksonville 14- Reggie Wayne's brother died driving a truck after this game, so I won't say anything mean about what a bunch of bitches the Colts are. This week. Maurice Jones-Drew had 244 all-purpose yards, and as I'd suspect of someone with his name, the Yahoo! image reminds me of a WNBA player. Title IX motherfuckers.

Jets 28, Bills 20




Sorry, just trying to make you see how hard it is to focus on this boxscore with those two mugs staring at you.

Dolphins 13, ****s 10- Of course we all knew the Dolphins would win this game. The question was: would they look like the playoff team everyone thought they were, or would they throw for 168 yards against a team that allowed Phillip Rivers to throw for 225? The Dolphins have major offensive line problems; When Ronnie Brown can only average 3.5 yards per carry, you know something is amiss. Or we could just say Daunte Culpepper sucks, whatever the media wants.

Redskins 31, Texans 15- This game can best be summed up in one play. With the Redskins up 14-7 and 9 seconds left in the half, they ran a draw on 3rd &10 to try and set up a field goal to take it to 17-7. Except instead of setting up a field goal, the Texans defense parted like the Red Sea to allow Portis to take it all the way to the house. Right now, the Texans defense consists of DeMeco Ryans, Dunta Robinson, and 9 black clones of Matt Stevens. Mario Williams has yet to lose a yard on a run this year.

Ravens 15, Browns 14- Charlie Frye inexplicably threw an interception on 1st & goal from the 6 to breathe new life into the old Browns. Well, Chris McAllister gambled for the pick and won. Frye had probably his best game as a pro, throwing for 298 yards and having a touchdown on the ground and in the air. For the Ravens, Derrick Mason caught 7 balls for 132 yards, then Kevin Dyson was stopped at the 1 yard line and they lost the Super Bowl.

Seahawks 42, Giants 3, 2nd half Giants 27- The Seahawks seem unaffected by the Madden Curse. Or maybe thats just how bad the teams they've beaten up on are. "Shaun Alexander sure is being hurt by the Madden Curse though!" You'd say. You'd be wrong though, Shaun Alexander is affected by the ESPN Mobile curse.

Eagles 38, 49ers 24- It's never a good sign for your team when your leading tackler doesn't have as many tackles as the opposing team's kicker does extra points.

Rams 16, Cardinals 14- After having the worst defense in the NFL last year, the Rams turnaround this year has been nothing short of remarkable; they've held every team they've played so far under 20 points, including both the Broncos and the pass-heavy Cardinals. JJ Arrington returned 4 kickoffs for 84 yards, making him slightly less of a second round bust than Tony Hollings. NFL Referees continue to drain the fun out of the game by not allowing Neil Rackers to attempt a 77-yard field goal as time expired.

Broncos 17, Patriots 7- The Patriots rushed for 50 yards, which was 7 more yards than Javon Walker's YPC average. Tom Brady's "Everyone Sucks But Me" Segway was recalled.