Classic is a funny word. Theres the ancient part of the meaning, the recognized authority/excellence. The word Classic is even just a take off of Class. Classy networks, defined elegance and style. With this in mind, ESPN Classic would broadcast old games like Game 5 of the 1969 World Series, the 73 series, This Week In Baseball. They'd show some classic NBA games from the Jordan eras, the short shorts, Magic playing in the All-Star Game after he had AIDS. Memories of simpler, greater times for many fans.
So together, we're going to go over the ESPN Classic Schedule for today, Thursday the 24th, and see what a bunch of Classic moments America gets to reminisce about today.
6:00 AM: Classic's Vintage NBA: Bernard King.
Bernard King was one of the most underrated players of his era, and this thirty minute clip will inform the viewer of this through the words of his contemporaries, Robin Roberts, and possibly Bill Walton under the guise that he thinks he is talking about Kareem.
Classic Scale (1-10): 6.3
7:00 AM: 1995 $50,000 Challenge Of Champions
Looking this up on my Time Warner guide, I can see that it is Pool. I like to think of myself as a fan of obscure history. I can't name a single men's pool player (although I think if I remember my trick shot history, one of them is named Massey? Messey?), and the only woman I can remember is that Asian girl who they tried to make a sex icon out of when she was only moderately attractive. Still, you have to give ESPN credit: 1995 was definitely a while ago.
Classic Scale (1-10): 1.8
8:00 AM: 2006 PBA US Open
Okay so this happened last year. I'm a bowling advocate. Maybe it had a really great finish. Wikipedia informs me that bowling uses the NBA-esque two year season, so this really could be one of two finals, the 14 pin win by Tommy Jones in 2005-2006, or the 6 point Pete Weber win in 2006-2007. Judging by ESPN standards (EVERYTHING MUST BE IN ALL CAPS TO MAKE A POINT), I'm guessing this is the latter. In which case, there is in fact, nothing classic about a middle-aged douchebag psychopath in the midst of his crisis wearing see-through aviators and screaming things at the camera.
Classic Scale (1-10): The Macarena
9:00 AM: 2004 World Series Of Poker presented by Miller High Life.
Look, I even admit I like poker. I like watching poker. This is neither classic nor a sport. We get it, Norman Chad has problems staying married. Poker is a game you can get lucky at. Poker players sometimes are douches. Good TV. Not a sport, not classic.
Classic Scale (1-10): A VHS copy of Monkeybone
10:00 AM: NHRA Slick 50 Nationals.
(Looks out window)
Yep, theres a car driving.
Classic Scale (1-10): The Camouflage Padres uniforms.
11:00 AM: 2006 PBA Denny's Championships
Okay, I'm willing to give the benefit of the doubt to the US Open. Dennys? Dennys?
Classic Scale (1-10): Chris Kattan.
12:00 PM: Madden Nation
You know, this show excites me because they give nicknames to fat people who play video games. As much fun as it is to see college dropouts shout "POP POP POP" at opponents with names like Duka or The Problem Child or whatever Bill Simmons' friends name themselves these days, couldn't we just watch the actual sports in question?
Classic Scale (1-10): Any Simpsons episode penned by Ian-Maxtone Graham.
12:30 PM: Streetball: The And 1 Mix Tour Presented by Mountain Dew
If I had any ability with video editing, I would combine clips of Vince Carter's only showing in the NBA Dunk Contest with clips of TV Funhouse's The Baby, The Immigrant, and The Guy On Mushrooms sketches. Because that is every Streetball show.
Classic Scale (1-10): Virtual Boy
1:00 PM: 1995 Orange Bowl: Nebraska Cornhuskers vs. Miami Hurricanes
Okay, I'm not a college football fan but I'll let this slide. Lawrence Phillips and Tommie Frazier led Nebraska to a comeback win that sated Nebraska students and boosters for all of 3 years.
Classic Scale (1-10): 6.8
3:00 PM: 1988 First Union 400
I'm getting more and more freaked out by this racing thing. I googled this and discovered that there was pro-racing reference and was scared. Not only does this tell you who won, but the user comments talk about it being a terrific comeback win for Terry Bobby or Petty or whoever. Isn't Daytona the only race that really matters though? Can it really be classic if it's just some hum-drum event in the middle of NASCAR's season? Do they even have a season?
Classic Scale (1-10): 1.9 (it did happen awhile ago, and I guess it's a little bit more of a sport than pool.)
5:00 PM: Stump The Schwab
Stump The Schwab? Stump the Schwab?
You know what, lets just move on.
WAIT SCHWAB CAN'T MOVE ON BECAUSE HE'S ENORMOUS!
get it because he is very fat and
Classic Scale (1-10): The Republic of Montenegro
6:00 PM: American Gladiators
One day, when I get rich, I'm going to attach the Tennis Ball Cannon on the side of my car and shoot old people with it. So turn up your hearing aid for this, Morris Albernathy of Sioux Falls, South Dakota. Don't get your prescriptions filled after 6:30 PM or your ass is grass.
Classic Scale (1-10): 30
7;00 PM: 1996 Lennox Lewis vs. Ray Mercer
Ray Mercer? Didn't the Celtics draft him?
Classic Scale (1-10): 2.38
8:00 PM: 2005 World Series Of Poker presented by Milwaukee's Best Light
Lon: Well, it's time for our all-in moment of the match
Norm: This guy is almost as big of a dog as my wife
Lon: *polite chuckle* OHHH ITS A CARD I KNEW WAS COMING! [POPULAR PLAYER} IS ELIMINATED.
Norm: You hate to go out like that. My wife threw me out once when the odds were in my favor.
Classic Scale (1-10): Tim Hardaway Jokes
9:00 PM: Top 5 Reasons Why You Can't Blame Matt Leinart For Returning For His Senior Season At USC.
Here, let me take a crack at them:
1) Knocking up a women's basketball player (impressive feat given the odds of a women's basketball player wanting to touch a penis).
2) Got to experience how overrated Paris Hilton's body was in person instead of just watching it in night vision.
3) Basically did whatever the fuck he wanted to.
4) Participated in one of the greatest games in college football history, which he sadly lost.
5) Moved up from throwing to Arnaz Battle and Antonio Bryant to throwing to Larry Fitzgerald and Anquan Boldin.
There, saved you 30 minutes.
Classic Rating (1-10): Eagle Eye Cherry
9:30 PM: Top 5 Reasons You Can't Blame Chamberlain For Losing To Russell
...Russell's team was better?
Classic Rating (1-10): 0.3
10:00 PM: Dodge Xtreme Bulls Tour presented by B&W Trailer Hitches.
B&W Trailer Hitches sounds like an advertisement from UHF.
Nothing says I love you like a trailer hitch,
Classic Rating (1-10): Those Fast Forward The Clock uniforms that baseball teams loved to wear in 1998.
11:00 PM: Courtney Burton vs. Emanuel Burton Augustus (2004)
Nothing like closing out the day with a grudge match between these two over the name Burton. There hasn't been an intense rivalry like this since Rene and Marcel Lachemann did a hot dog eating contest for the rights to interim manage the 1998 Expos.
A NEW CHALLENGER HAS APPEARED
Nah I'm just yankin' your chain, the two fight and neither of them are champions and it's not really classic at all. A fitting end to the day.
Classic Rating (1-10): Arli$$ rerun. Wait thats on ESPN Classic too.
I hope our trip down memory lane taught you that it's not just the regular ESPN gigs that are being messed up: it's a company wide dilemma. Also I hope I made you start singing "Save Tonight" to yourself, because if I have to remember it, then you're all going down with me.