shits done

you're investigating ruins.

when/if i make a new blog, it'll be linked here.

The most random gathering of sports jerseys on the internet

http://www.lids.com/style/7090

I know it's a hat store first, but this page just brought me intense joy. If you're like me (or Brandon), you know that sometimes when you go to games, you find people with really strange jerseys. Like for instance, Yadier Molina.

We've found their source.

I don't think I've ever seen a place that goes out on a limb to advertise two different Ryan Langerhans jerseys before, but if you're into that kinda thing, Lids has you covered.

Chasing History

Barry Bonds. The name alone conjures so many different feelings in different peoples minds. And this post has nothing to do with him.

No, despite the fact that we've had a 300 game winner (Tom Glavine), 3 probable Hall Of Famers (Bonds, Frank Thomas, and ARod) hit homer milestones, and 1 more reach 3000 hits (Craig Biggio), this post is about something completely different.

(So it's Biggio's historic pursuit of getting hit a bunch of times? Nope, I'll leave that to Plunk Biggio)

Nope, we're here to talk today about the heroic pursuit of Jim Rice's GIDP records by Nationals 3B Ryan Zimmerman. Zimmerman, who has grounded into 24 double plays so far this year, is 11 shy of reaching the rarefied air that only Rice has reached: 35 double plays in a season.

You'd think that with the proliferation of runners in the last 15 years, we'd have more players challenging this record, but there have been only 3 players to reach 30 GIDP's in that time span: Ben Grieve, Brad Ausmus, and surprisingly enough, Ivan Rodriguez in his MVP season.

With only a month left to play, it's unlikely that Zimmerman will play enough to catch Jim Rice; he'd need a historically bad month. But, he could very easily join that 30 GIDP club, which is quite a feat in it's own right. I encourage Nationals fans to root for this to happen; you might as well get some mileage out of your lousy season. Manny Acta probably deserves manager of the year for keeping you from losing 100 games, but if you had lost 100 games, you'd at least be a uniquely crappy club from the rest of the crappy NL clubs.

The life of obscurity

If you're reading this blog, then you are likely knowledgeable enough about baseball to know who Mike Venafro is. If not, here's the scoop: Venafro's a journeyman submarine-thrower who is now pitching in AAA. Basically, one of the many insignificant stories of the major leagues: good, but not good enough.

Myspace.com is somewhere to go to take pictures of yourself, maybe hit on some women, or, in the case of my former self, make joke accounts. Specifically, a joke account about Mike Venafro. I never had a vendetta against the guy, I just thought making an account would be a funny thing to do with the loads of spare time I had in 2005. Just a joke that myself and the sports nerds that I know (most of the other bloggers on this site, specifically) could laugh about.

I didn't check the thing for about a year, and all was normal in Venaspace until this message was sent to me on Sunday night. I was notified by e-mail about it.

From: Lisa

Date: Aug 19, 2007 6:55 PM

Subject: you are a imposter [sic] and a loser
Body: you are a loser 1st and for most [sic]. mike has a family and is just trying to make a living.he is contacting his agent,who is a a lawyer, to see how he can remove your imposter [sic] page and furthermore take you to court for the damages. hope you have a great day. by the way, can you play baseball?

Now, a few notes about this:

1) I'm a loser now, 1st and for most. Glad we got that out of the way.

2) I created this account in November, 2005. If Mike Venafro is only finding out about this now, how much "damage" could I have caused him? If anything, I should be thanked for being one of the few people who know who he is.

3) Who is Lisa? Her page, and her message, tell me nothing about her, other than that she's 29 and likes to use beer bottles to make promiscuous poses.

4) How did Mike find this page anyway? Was he googling himself to see if any papers wrote about the Cardinals giving him a minor league contract?

(Note: I wanted to see if any full stories were printed regarding this signing. I even searched Deadspin, Cardinal haven, to see if he even got a blurb from Will Leitch. Nope. The only thing I found there was a link to this Baseball Musings post from spring training, 2006. Sorry about the back, Mike.)

5) Lisa wants to know if I can play baseball. Is she the captain of a rec league softball team? Can I get in on that?

This whole situation amazes me. Suing a college student whose yearly income is under $3000 is a bit much, I'd say.

So, maybe the mysterious Lisa is bluffing. Maybe not. Maybe Mike Venafro's gonna come after me with a Triple-A vengeance. Updates on this exciting event in my life will come as/if it develops.

UPDATED: Mike Venafro had Tom delete the account. My life, as I know it, is over.

The case of the dissapearing "dominant teams"

Just something I've noticed while going through the records here on a hazy Monday morning...does it strike anyone else as odd that for the second straight year, a grand total of 0 teams can be projected out to win 100 games? As of right now, the Red Sox are closest, with a 70-47 record, which if you project out to their current .598 winning percentage, gives them 97 wins.

Last year, the Mets and Yankees tied for the best record, also both with 97 wins. In 2005, the Cardinals won 100 games on the dot in what has been historically over the last 7-odd years the weakest division in baseball, and the White Sox won 99. You have to go all the way back to 2004 to find a team that truly dominated their league, when the Cardinals won 105 games, and a hell of a lot of good it did them against the Red Sox.

Has baseball really changed that much just in the last few years? Technology expands, scouting is easier to integrate with all this new communication software, sure. I think it's fair to say that the playing field has been slightly evened, to where if you try hard as a small market, you won't embarrass yourself. I also think it's fair to say that teams have more money to spend and attract free agents with than ever before. Is this what's pushing us towards these 97 win "good but not great" best records? Or is it a more random fluctuation?

Historically, the last time before last year (and looking like this year) that we had 0 100 win teams in either league was 2000, when only one team won even 95 games (the White Sox, a lot of good it did them), it happened again in 96, when the Indians could only manage 99 wins. However, once is a blip, twice may be a trend. Are we really moving into an era where nobody in either league can even win 100 games?

I think this is primarily a credit to the small market teams. Whether or not you think Gil Meche was a smart signing, he definitely increased the Royals chances to not finish with 100 losses. Even the perennially clueless Pirates have lost 100 games just once in this decade, and the last team to lose 100 games in the NL was the ridiculously horrible 2004 Diamondbacks (aka Luis Gonzalez, Randy Johnson, Brandon Webb, and 22 guys from your local Chuck-E-Cheese who looked pretty good at Skiball). Meanwhile, the AL had for a long time been able to count on beating up on the Royals and the Devil Rays and the Tigers in 2003, but for the most part these teams are making strides both in free talent and in rich talent, and these have finally paid off to where only the Devil Rays have a real chance at 100 losses, and that's mainly due to the fact that their bullpen has resembled Mel Rojas in his prime.

So, blame Gil Meche for the fact that there are no dominant teams. He was supposed to sign with someone good.

I'm back, and so is Penny Hardaway

I didn't learn much whilst taking intensive Spanish for 10 weeks. Oh sure, I know how to properly conjugate nouns and the like, but it didn't really help me speak the language any better. Especially when it was all crammed in so fast that I didn't even have time to learn the vocabulary, I speak Spanish like Joe Morgan analyzes baseball games. I say the same few things over and over again and hope nobody notices. Except I don't get paid. Minor quibble, really.

There isn't really any way to segue this into Penny Hardaway. I'm just exhausted and am sick of seeing the hiatus post. Penny Hardaway was my favorite player as a kid, and when Shaq left him and Orlando crumbled it was quite tragic. Now he's catching on....with Shaq. Again.

I'll always remember this game against the Bulls they had on TNT, the year when Shaq got sent to the injured list by Matt Geiger, and Penny single-handedly shredded the Bulls. As someone who grew up in Houston, and had all the accomplishments of my favorite basketball team overshadowed by a bunch of pompous jackasses who insisted Michael Jordan would have beaten the 93-94 and 94-95 Rockets, I was pretty much as anti-Bulls and anti-Jordan as any person reasonably can be. You recognize his greatness, but you still fucking hate him and that fucking arrogant tongue and smirk.

And that was still the best performance I can remember anyone having against the Bulls in that timeframe. I'm sure theres probably been others, but I'm not sure any other performances involved a team who's second best offensive player was Nick Anderson. Penny dominated that game and had me and anyone else watching convinced that he was the next great player. Now he's not even in the top two most famous people to star in his own commercial.

And now after all these years, he's re-uniting with Shaq. I've always wondered what would have happened had the two of them stuck together. Penny's knees eventually were a problem, but would that deterioration have gone slower if he had never had to take on the pure scoring role that he was asked to?

So I guess that leads to an inevitable conclusion. Shaquille O'Neal murdered Penny's career, and now he is full of guilt and used his influence with the Heat to try to feel better about himself. Way to go, Shaq.

FC on hiatus

In case you hadn't noticed.

I've wound up with too much on my plate (The Daily Cougar and this amazingly time-intensive summer school course) to write more than one-two things a week, and I'm frustrated with the lack of effort by other members. This was supposed to be a community blog, not a "Chris does all the entries" blog.

A steam of consciousness from a Baseball in the hands of Scott Schoeneweis

Shit. Oh God please don't let him pick me up.

Please please please please please.

Fuck he's coming this way.

Fuck.

Look, I just want you assholes to get off the field as fast as possible so I can go absorb some more air molecules in the company of my brethren. Is that too much to ask?

I know some of my brothers just don't want to get hit, and I would be very happy if I were one of them, seeing as how you throw strikes less often than people fall for Nigerian prince e-mails. I just don't wanna be hit hard okay? You're a lefty, you're supposed to be better than this. Your WHIP is approaching the Mendoza Line. I know I'm supposed to have pity on you because you had cancer, but you're making enough money to buy the plant that I was made at. How about throwing a pitch down the plate?



Umpire: BALL ONE!

Oh, or you could just do that. You pussy. Do you see that Lo Duca is just sitting over the plate now? That he's given up on even trying to pick a spot for you?



**Ball flies over the head of Lo Duca, runners advance**

FUCK YOU! What the fuck man? Do you have four legs? Are you like a Dolphin or something? I mean if you're gonna fuck up this bad, couldn't you just make this more entertaining? Try to pitch the ball off your butt or something? Out of your butt? Lob it up and then kick it at the plate?



**Ball nearly hits the batter**

Muuuch fuckin better, slick. Yeah, you better rub your fucking hand on the rosin bag you piece of shit. Todd Hundley could throw better than this. Post-surgery. Don't even bother trying to grip the seams or anything bro, I'm afraid you might unravel me in your hands before you get the ball out of your glove.





Fuuuuuck.

**Scott Schoeneweis' game ERA is now 225**



**contemplates job security**

I'm scared. Too scared to even wet my pants.



Just relax and it'll come, son.

A complete loss for words

Alright, so I've sort of missed the boat on the recent wave of traffic that's been hitting FC. Mad props to Chris and Jonny and everyone else for getting this place linked on Deadspin, among other plaudits. I've been keeping a low profile, however, for a few reasons. Mainly, once FC started actually getting traffic from time to time, I didn't feel like 5,000-word rants about the Pirates would be a positive thing for the site. And it helped that even I was tired of whining about how much God hates me for sticking me with the sports world's version of a fate worse than death.

But, y'know, today is supposed to be the day when it might actually be permissable for the morons who've been assfucked into supporting a dead-end, no-hope baseball franchise to feel some sort of optimism for the future.

But no. Not for me. Not ever.

Today, in the first four rounds, the Pirates used their allotted draft picks on the following players:

• A college reliever. And not just any college reliever, but the BEST ONE IN THE DRAFT CLASS!!! Oh wait, that's fucking useless when it's been proven time and time again that an effective bullpen is far and away the easiest thing to assemble. The vast majority of relievers today were starters in the minor leagues who weren't good enough to start and got converted to the bullpen. You wouldn't know this from watching this train wreck of a front office, though.
• A college starter who is projected to be a #4 or 5 in the majors...IF he can develop a changeup or improve a mediocre curveball. Oh yeah, he's already had labrum issues in the past. I'm assuming by this point Dave Littlefield has Dr. Andrews on speed dial.
• A college shortstop who hits line drives and is a project defensively. Apparently, the fact that the Pirates have approximately two players at the Major League level who are capable of hitting home runs on a remotely consistent basis. Granted, I was wrong about Brian Bixler, whose profile reads almost word-for-word the same as this guy, but come on. We don't need another Brian Bixler because we have one already.
• A high school center fielder who from what I can gather is already being billed as a massive overdraft. He wasn't in any top-200 lists, and there were still several consensus top 100s available. He's fast, though. Of course! He's a CREECHLING.

So there it is. I mean, you know it has to be bad when I'm spurred to write for FC. I'm standing on the precipice, slowly being pushed towards the edge. But no matter how badly I want to just turn my back and walk away, I can't make myself do it. Maybe someone out there has some idea of how I can quit, but for now, and for the forseeable future, I'm stuck wondering what kinds of horrific things I did in my previous life to deserve this.

This Is As Close As Barry Bonds Will Ever Get To Holding The World Series Trophy In Glorious Triumph

I've mentioned before how I work in a baseball card shop, and today my employment in a card shop has given me inspiration to post yet again. I present to you,




Barry Bonds, World Series MVP, World Series Champion.

We were looking through old stacks of mail in my boss' office and happened upon this. Suffice it to say, the Garret Anderson version probably resulted in more orders. To be honest, though, I'm not sure exactly what they're trying to sell. Is it a bobblehead? Is it a doll of some sort? Who knows. Whatever it is, it delighted me to see images of Barry Bonds in a World Series Champion cap and t-shirt.

However, it also painfully reminded me of the 2002 World Series, the most decisive lose-lose series I've ever watched in any sport in my life. At least it was good baseball, I guess.

Still, now is not the time to lament that ill-conceived series. Now is the time to laugh at Barry Bonds and companies that produce their championship memorabilia (or, at least, their championship memorabilia advertisements) in advance. Laugh away, readers. Laugh away.

Man, my district sucks at sports

Upon better-knowing-my-very-own-Congressional-district last night on the Colbert Report, I've realized that my district is home to some very bad sports history.

But hey, Ronnie Woo Woo lives here.

Sacred Cow Ausmus finally led to graze on bench

(the heavily edited DC version)

With the Astros struggling offense dragging the team to a 12-17 May record, manager Phil Garner and GM Tim Purpura finally came to a long overdue conclusion: Brad Ausmus is not an everyday catcher.

Ausmus has long been a Houston favorite, giving terrific quotes to all the beat writers and being a leader in the clubhouse and in the community. The club has been very successful since he rejoined in 2001, peaking in 2005 with a World Series appearance. Because of the high esteem that he’s been held in, Ausmus has become somewhat of a sacred cow on the Houston sports scene. Nobody wants to write ill of someone who by all accounts seems like a good guy and gives great quotes. However, despite the hustle and intangibles he is known for, Ausmus’ on-field play has been holding back the Astros offense for years.

In his last seven years with the Astros, Ausmus has never hit above .260, never hit ten homers, and never driven in more than fifty runs. Moving beyond the triple crown stats shows an even more telling picture; Ausmus’ .314 on-base percentage in his second tenure in Houston has been keeping runs off the board that the Astros could have used in close playoff races. Taking out the intentional walks that he is given in front of the pitcher lowers this to .304, and he has grounded into over a hundred double plays throughout the same period of time, killing many rallies.

Fifty-six games into the season, the Astros have scored only two hundred twenty-seven times, ahead of only the Nationals and Cardinals among the NL’s sixteen teams. Ausmus is hardly the teams only offensive problem; Lance Berkman is off to a slow start, Craig Biggio’s quest for 3,000 hits has been sputtering along slowly, and Adam Everett has never been able to hit. However, Berkman will bounce back, Everett has his sterling defense to fall back on, and Biggio will probably lose playing time to Mark Loretta as soon as he reaches his milestone. Ausmus has three Gold Gloves, the most recent of which came last year, and also carries a reputation for working well with young pitchers.

Unfortunately, the gold gloves are more an indication of reputation than actual skill. His 2006 Gold Glove was laughable, as he only threw out twenty-two percent of runners attempting to steal. By comparison, the American League Gold Glove catcher last year, Ivan Rodriguez, threw out fifty-one percent of attempted basestealers. As for his reputation with young pitchers, the Astros haven’t broken in a rookie starter with an ERA under 4 since Tim Redding in 2003, and Redding hasn’t been in the majors since 2005.

So today’s ultimate solution for the Astros with Ausmus is to let him split time with failed ex-Tigers prospect Eric Munson, a career .212 hitter. Munson has demonstrated that he can hit well at Triple A, but this has never translated to the majors. While this probably isn’t a permanent solution, recognizing the problem is the first step. For far too long, the Astros have been content with Brad Ausmus sucking up outs at the bottom of their order.

Actual solutions will be harder to find. Cubs catcher Michael Barrett could be available, especially in the wake of last Friday’s fight with star starter Carlos Zambrano. The problem is that the Astros have very little to offer; their farm system is downright barren now that Hunter Pence has graduated to the majors. What the Astros need to do is something that Tim Purpura has never demonstrated an ability to do: get creative. Trading a career backup who has shown an ability to hit but never gotten an extended opportunity would make a lot of sense for the Astros. A few players who could fit this bill include Mike Redmond of the Twins, Javier Valentin of the Reds, and Kelly Shoppach of the Indians.

The Astros main trade chip will probably be Brad Lidge, who has quietly lowered his ERA to 2.70 after being removed from the closers role early in the season. Given the Reds penchant for trading for relievers, it’s not impossible to envision a trade between these two teams involving Lidge. Perhaps a deal of Lidge for recently demoted but promising third baseman Edwin Encarnacion and Valentin would work out for both teams. Especially since the Astros seem to hold Morgan Ensberg in a much lower regard than most teams around baseball.

Either way, the first step to solving the problem is admitting you have a problem. Brad Ausmus has clearly been a problem for the Astros for years, and it’s nice that they’ve finally realized it. Getting a quality catcher isn’t easy, but if the Astros just get a little creative, they can turn a weakness into a strength.

Possibly, a more likely root of Gary Sheffield's beef

A bit has been made of Gary Sheffield making comments regarding the reason why there are fewer African Americans in Major League Baseball today than in the past. Sheffield attributed the decrease in African Americans to an increase in players from Latin America, and the ability of the powers that be to more easily "control" the Latin American players of African descent, whereas he implies that the powers that be need to "respect" him, and "These are the things [Sheffield's] race demands."

However, I think Gary Sheffield may have missed the mark. I don't think that the drop in African American baseball players has been due to what Sheffield believes to be differences in response to "authority," but rather, the drop could be due to a general, widespread neglect of baseball programs in predominantly African American high schools.

It is also easy to point to the large number of players coming out of the Caribbean, as Sheffield does, but this trend has been going on for a long time. Even in 1985 Time magazine was reporting about the influx of talent in the Dominican Republic, even taking the time to quote a 24 year old [!!!!!] Julio Franco.

To look at the lack of attention paid to baseball programs at predominantly African American schools, I looked at the connection between not only record, but games played compared to percentage of the student body that is African American.

Chicago Public Schools "racial ethnic survey" for 2007 (pdf)

Chicagosports.com baseball standings

These are the two main websites used for this comparison. The Chicago Public Schools results are listed on the Chicagosports.com page from the Jackie Robinson Division to the Luis Aparicio Division (and somehow Ozzie Guillen got a division, too).

In particular, I looked at the results in the Double Duty Radcliffe Division and Luis Aparicio Division, and compared them to the racial makeup of the Jackie Robinson Division [School (total record, division record) % African American]

APARICIO DIVISION
Dunbar (10-4, 8-0) 98.3%
Englewood (4-4, 4-3) 98.2%
Bronzeville (3-5, 3-3) 96.2%
Bowen (2-4, 2-3) [not listed]
Gage Park (1-10, 1-5) 41.7%
Noble Street Charter (0-5, 0-2) 10.7%
Harper (0-6, 0-3) 99.1%

RADCLIFFE DIVISION
Farragut (10-2, 10-1) 21.4%
Manley (9-10, 9-1) 99.9%
Orr (5-2, 5-1) 90.0%
Clark (0-3, 0-3) 98.1%
Senn (0-4, 0-4) 40.1%
Austin (0-6, 0-6) 98.8%
Raby (0-8, 0-7) 99.3%

JACKIE ROBINSON DIVISION
Lane Tech (21-9, 11-0) 12.6%
Clemente (18-14, 10-2) 31.8%
Young (22-9, 9-3) 31.7%
Harlan (23-10, 8-4) 98.9%
Lake View (22-11, 8-4) 14.1%
Mather (14-14, 8-4) 13.2%
Simeon (23-10, 7-4) 99.6%
Von Steuben (10-16, 5-7) 31.2%
Kenwood (8-13, 4-8) 93.1%
Northside College Prep (8-15, 4-8) 6.4%
Schurz (11-18, 1-11) 5.4%
Hyde Park (7-17, 1-11) 99.3%
Foreman (5-18, 1-11) 16.9%

The Chicago Public Schools, as a whole, are predominantly African American and Latino American. For this survey, the total results for Chicago Public Schools list African Americans as 47.9% of the total student body, and "Hispanics" as 38.3%.

It could be assumed that the Jackie Robinson Division is the place where the best teams in the Public League are placed. The division produced both teams who played in the city championship [the Whitney Young Dolphins who went on to defeat my very own Lane Tech Indians 1-0], and at 13 teams, they have six more than any of the other divisions in the Public League (all other divisions have seven teams). Of those 13 teams, 4 have an African American enrollment of above 90%; while of the 14 teams in the Radcliffe and Aparicio divisions only four have African American enrollments below 90%. It seems as though there is at least a little bit of a correlation between African American enrollment and baseball team support, if it is assumed that there is more emphasis placed on the baseball programs in the Robinson Division than in the Radcliffe and Aparicio Divisions.

Looking at the results in this fashion can be problematic in several ways:

- This looks solely at the racial makeup of Chicago Public Schools compared to those school's baseball programs, and does not take into consideration baseball programs in other cities.
- The Chicago Public Schools sports website does not have a standings or results page. It does have a schedule page, but there are no results to be found on that page. Searching the IHSA website only yields results for the state playoffs.
- There are no given reasons for the games played differential in some divisions (for example, in the Double Duty Ratcliffe Division, the difference between Clark HS which only played 3 games, and Farragut, which played 11 games). Possibilities could be rainouts, forfeits, or that the game results might not have been reported to Chicagosports.com. (I realize that for some divisions, the division does not have "FINAL" next to its name, but still, if the games simply have not been reported, that's still problematic)
- In addition to simply the decline in African American born players, a decline across the board could also be attributed to an increase in scouting in Asian countries over the past 15-20 years.

-------

So now the question needs to be asked, and I'm sure Gary Sheffield asks this too, how can we alleviate this situation? How can we increase interest in playing baseball in predominantly African American schools?

First of all, there has to be a stop put to the oppression-through-neglect tactics that might be going on in these schools. In situations where interest is too low to form a full team, maybe the team could be merged with a team from a nearby school (or two) with similarly low interest in baseball. Low interest in-and-of-itself can not be a reason to disband a team.

After that, there would have to be an way to build interest in the sport. The Chicago Cubs have two African American Hall of Famers who would be great ambassadors for the sport in the areas where interest is low. Billy Williams and Ernie Banks could be voices within the community who could help build the next generation of great African American baseball players. Current players, such as Gary Sheffield himself or current Cubs superstar Derrek Lee, could be at the forefront of helping to stir new interest in baseball.

The possible roots of the shrinking number of African Americans in Major League Baseball transcends simply baseball. This isn't just a baseball issue, it's an issue of equity. There really is no reason for a baseball team to play only three games in a season, when a standard season consists of what appears to be at least 10-12 conference games. Even in the event that the games simply were not reported to the news source, it perpetuates the idea that games played by those schools are unimportant, and it destroys any ground upon which a stronger baseball program could have been built. So yes, sports equity should be an issue here, and the sooner this form of oppression is dealt with, the sooner that percentage of African Americans, and even American minorities across the board, in the Major Leagues goes back up.

Who knows, I might be a little off the mark here. It could be that the interest in baseball at certain schools has always been low. There could be more to the scouting of Asian American markets than I've taken into account here. It could be that Major League teams don't scout any city public schools unless there's a sure-fire major leaguer involved (Victor Diaz attended Roberto Clemente High School of the Jackie Robinson Division). However, I think that the percentage of African Americans in the Major Leagues could increase if participation in the sport is encouraged at the high school, or even pee-wee level (no, I didn't see Hardball, and as long as Keanu Reeves is still the lead character, I don't suspect that I'd even stay awake past the first 45 minutes) in certain areas. Granted, even if such changes took place today, the affects wouldn't be seen for the next 20-30 years, and by that time who knows what could happen to the demographics in Major League Baseball.

...but it would still be worth it, for a host of other reasons.

Just a youtube today...

Got other writing commitments again. Borat's classic guide to baseball.

One Mans Opinion: The Top 256 Dugouts of all-time

I am not going to get super sappy about this, so I'll just explain this in the simplest way I know how. One day, somewhere around late May 2005, I found The Dugout, when it was linked in some Baseball Think Factory thread. It was hilarious, I laughed all day at it. I shared with friends who laughed all day at it. We scoured the archives.

It's been a staple of my internet reading for almost two years now. I've even made a few dumb NFL ones on here. Mainly based on the premise that Owen Daniels is Jim Thome. Anyway, to celebrate this website for making me laugh a lot, I decided there should be a tribute. And what better tribute then...a top 25 list! Top 25 Simpsons Characters! Okay okay, Top 25 Dugouts.

I've re-read these over about the past four nights, my initial cutdown list was about 60 or 70 long, and I've shaped these into a Top 25 I feel comfortable with. I tried to emphasize the past couple of years more than the present, because those guys have steadily been gaining in popularity and I think it'd be nice to showcase some of their older stuff. I also did not include the Special Events, just because I think it's unfair to the other Dugouts to judge them against such high standards.

Honorable Mention: Dangit Bobby by B

A criminally underrated TV show, so I snuck this onto my list as the last pick over the equally deserving topics of halloween costumes and Peter Pan. Theres nothing profound about this strip, it's a simple punchline, and it works.

#25: Secret Weapon by B

This also easily could've been one of Braden's other appearances, but I settled on this one because I am a sucker for NES references. I think Braden Looper is the most underused character in Dugout history; all of his appearances that I can remember have been terrific. Unlike real life where he's terrible shit, he really has a 3.65 ERA? As a starter?

#24: Pete Rose And The Bottom 3 by B

This is one of the better examples of B's pop-culture radar, which sometimes misses me completely and sometimes slays me. I am a big fan of the Pete Rose running gag, which reminds me of another compliment I could give to The Dugout: they seem to know just when to stop milking the running gags. They run this, the Young Brothers, the Jeter/ARod buttsex, Bonds and steroids, and Manny being Manny pretty well, and I never feel like any of those jokes are forced. Speaking of...

#23: I Was Never Good At Goodbyes by Nick

While the Young brothers usually settle for robbing convenience stores these days, they weren't always unstoppable in The Dugout. This one brings us back to a happier day, when Jim Leyland was feared and Ugueth Urbina wasn't incarcerated. Also, it's always nice to have a voice of reason when The Dugout goes all zany on you.

#22: Keith Hernandez Fucking Knives: Part 1 of 175 by Jon

When someone can write about loving cutlery so passionately, it grabs my attention. Heart-wrenching strip. Also, Mike Piazza's screenname is fabulous.

#21: Felipe Alou's Brain by B

One of my favorite things about The Dugout is how well they handle the real media in their strips, and this is just one example of it that I felt had to be included in the Top 25. Also, I'm probably going to hell for this but I love Wilford Brimley jokes to death and I hope he is still riding that fucking horse around and saying "diah-beatus" when I'm 80.

#20: Brandon Pierzynski Wins the Football Game by Jon

Sorry to bring this up again, Angels fans, but Josh Paul's stream of consciousness here is incredibly funny, and the fact that Tim McCarver is involved just makes it even better. Random McCarver aside: Wasn't he funny in Baseketball? Wouldn't he be better if he announced that way all the time?

#19: Trashbags You Guys by B

Another Dugout commentary I agree with: HOK Sports is designing the same ballpark over and over and over again.

#18: A Friend In Jesus by Nick

Nick likes to write about the Red Sox and steroid cheaters ruining baseball. I hate hearing about both of these topics, so I'm usually at odds mentally with a lot of Nick Dugouts. I thought this was nice because we go beyond the "you suck" aspect of steroids and get into the actual motivations. Also cause it's fucking funny, but you knew that.

#17: Life With Hendry by Jon

One of the things I most enjoy about Jon's writing is his ability to make me think of things in perspectives I'd never thought of before. Like Jim Hendry being an 11-year-old girl with a livejournal and secreting mayonnaise from his pores.

#16: Spring Training 2007: Kansas City Royals by Jon

Okay, first of all the PECOTA segment has always been beautiful. Every strip he appears in becomes some kind of epic battle between good and evil. Actually, my favorite part of this strip is the irony of Octavio Dotel being douchebaggy that they traded Carlos Beltran for Mark Teahen.

#15: Jeffrey Loria is a Giant Charade by Jon

The Florida Marlins are frequently covered well in The Dugout, but this one stood out to me because the charade opener and the closing lines are both incredible enough to be strips of their own.

#14: Picks To Click

Isn't hyperbole wonderful? This is the second-highest of the really "old time" Dugouts. I've always hated these two even though I only remember them once a year, when I channel surf and accidentally end up on some depressing White Sox-Blue Jays game only to hear these clowns perform on-air fellatio every time Scott Posednik manages to bunt it back to the pitcher. To go 2005 on this situation, couldn't we just have the Panthers cheerleaders announce if we wanted this?

#13: Spring Training: New York Yankees by B

Probably the best example of Kyle Farnsworth's work, and the most depth you can get from him that isn't in one of the events. Kyle slays everyone in this strip. Everyone. He even struck you down for reading it. Also I fucking hate Carlos Mencia, and his shit-tacular schtick is well-envisioned here.

#12: Mike Hampton Is The 7th Best Player In Baseball by Jon

WOULD YOU LIKE TO READ ANALYSIS?
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YOU HAVE SELECTED "NO".

#11: A Rebuilding Year by Jon

The space pirate paradox is very real; which side really should have more power?

#10: Will Sun Bet A Mitt? by Jon

I miss the wordplay gag, and this was clearly the best of them. The fact that it justifies Sun Woo-Kim's existence in my eyes (I always used to confuse him and Seung Song) qualifies this for the Top 10.

#9: Scientific Progress Goes Apeshit by Jon

Little known fact: This post is actually part of a long-running game of Calvinball I am playing with fellow FC contributor Brandon Lee. The score is 78Y to VVIIX9.

#8: Cory Lidle's New Home by Jon

Possibly the most well-known Dugout, with good reason. Scathing social commentary on newspaper hacks mixed with good old fashioned Jim Thome Love.

#7: The Temperature Of Citizen's Bank Park by B

If there were other huge Dugout historians, they'd probably haggle with this one. This piece has a lot of sentimental value to me because my uncle and aunt were raised by Pete Incaviglia in the wild.

#6: NL Central 007 by Jon

I grew up destroying my step-brothers at Goldeneye, so this strip brought back memories. No mention of Proximity Mines, sadly. Either way, you have to feel bad for poor Ned Yost and his Kolb's.

#5: The Worst Sports Bar Ever by Jon

Does this show my Jon bias yet? Is it weird that I think he's had so many of the Top 10? Why do I admire his writing so? Anyway, making fun of bad commercials is always encouraged.

I mean, come on, between 7:39 AM and 7:45 AM, i rewrote this line seven times! Come on!

#4: PlayerEmpiricalComp.OptimizationTestAlgorithm by Jon

PECOTA's first appearance, which I think is a big enough event on it's own to put it in the Top 5. I feel he's the defining character of The Dugout right now. I've run out of synonyms for funny but trust me it is that as well.

#3: A Sad Day For The Grimsley Gang by Jon

This was actually a serious contender for #1, but I bumped it down because I thought the top 2 were a little more creative. Still, it's accurate, it tears down ESPN, and it's provided me with a fantasy league team name (The Grimsley Gang).

#2: Time To Pick A New Target by B

This post proves the lifelong adage that you always pick on the guy with the biggest glasses. Thats what you get, Sabo.

#1: Hometown Heroes by Jon

I once heckled Jamie Moyer about his Magic Cards and he looked at me strangely. Like maybe I knew. We're on to you, Jamie.

To tide you over until Friday

When I plan to put up a big post.

Here is some Japanese Baseball ACTION. And by ACTION, I mean "wow this japanese pitcher sure is a pussy."

Fair Readers, Go Out There And Become A D Leaguer

I love the D League. I love that Kelenna Azuibuke can be plucked up from nowhere and be a far more serviceable backup thank half the guys earning fat contracts at the end of benches (hey Adonal Foyle) in the NBA. I love that Jose Juan Barea, the first Northeastern Husky in the NBA since Reggie Lewis (that one went well, by the way), played there some last season and wrecked the shit out of everyone. I love that Joe Shipp, my favorite player ever from Cal, continues on in it. Everything about it is fun. It's like minor league baseball, but much more navigable and easy to follow since instead of seven thousand teams there are like 25.

With that in mind, if any of you out there have reasonable basketball skills, this might be fun.

The NBA Development League Pre-Draft Camp offers athletes an opportunity to showcase their talents in front of NBA & D-League front office personnel, as well as coaches & representatives from every D-League team. Participants will be competing for the opportunity to sign a D-League standard player contract and be placed in the 2007 NBA Development League Draft to be held in November, 2007.

....

The Pre-Draft Camp will consist of up to 200 players to be selected by NBA & D-League front office personnel. All selected participants will be notified prior to the camp. The $500 fee will cover lodging & transportation while in Dallas/Arlington, TX, as well as practice gear. If selected, you will be responsible for arriving in Dallas, TX on Friday, July 27. Transportation between DFW Airport, the player hotel, and the camp site will be provided.

The camp is in Arlington, and there's a $500 fee you have to front with your application, but if they don't select you you get it back, so there's not a whole lot to lose here. There were like 15 D Leaguers called up last year to the NBA, so teams are definitely using it. I think it'd be great for basketball to eventually establish it as a true AAA, where each team has its own affiliate to assign their own players too. You could expand the draft or, at the very least, just sign a bunch of deserving college players and give them a shot to show something.


Anyway, all four of you FC readers, take a shot. Make this moment last

A blog entry about how Baseball Tonight Sucks, because that is rarely covered in the blogosphere.

Memorial Day is traditionally known as the first checkpoint of the baseball season. Generally, it is a day to gather around the TV and debate the merits of these teams going forward. Well, unless you're Baseball Tonight, in which case you create some fucking retarded flag system to further schill for the Indy 500, which hasn't been relevant for at least 10 years.

Here is your Memorial Day story: The Yankees are dead according to every analyst on TV. Never mind that their third order winning percentage according to Baseball Prospectus is the second-best in the AL and the third-best in baseball. Never mind that Johnny Damon, Phillip Hughes, and every non-Andy Pettite pitcher has been injured so far this year. Never mind that half the lineup is off to a slow start. Never mind that it's easy to concoct a scenario which they win the Wild Card. Nope, they're dead.

Meanwhile, on said Baseball Tonight segment, Eduardo Perez gave the Twins a "Green Flag" (Brazil's?) because they were 11.5 out after two months last year, then went on a monster tear to take the division title away from Detroit.

Eduardo, this is silly. Three teams have come back from 10 game deficits since the Wild Card was "blessed" upon baseball. Those Twins, the 1995 Mariners, and the 2002 A's. By the logic you show here, I believe you think the Twins have a magic rock that keeps Tigers away.

Baseball Tonight is a show with only two types of predictions: the incredibly stupid and the incredibly easy. Steve Phillips thinks the Brewers might be in trouble because they have won 4 of their last 15. You sure about that, dude? Is the war in Iraq also going poorly Steve? I need your reassurance. John Kruk thinks the Red Sox may be headed to the playoffs? John, my computer table just broke into a hundred pieces, do you believe I have termites as well?

I know this would take away from Red Sox/Yankee Tonight, but maybe someone could create an argument about how the Braves can win the NL East? Will the Indians hold off the Tigers and Twins? Which team will take the burgeoning Padres/Diamondbacks/Dodgers race in the West?

No? Okay, cool. Well you kids let me know when you're relevant again. I'm gonna be getting my analysis from people who actually know how to analyze things till then. And you know, who talk about the rest of baseball.

PS: When you're done here check out my latest MetsGeek article

Yet Another Reason Why Politicans And Sports Don't Mix

They're all the worst sort of mainstream, casual fan.

On Sunday, he explained further: "I've always been a Red Sox fan. But I said if I weren't running for president, I would like to be No. 7 — Mickey Mantle — playing center field for the New York Yankees.

"My favorite team has always been the Red Sox. I'm a Red Sox fan. End of session," he said." But, he added, "I'm also a Yankees fan."

After declaring his allegiance to both the Red Sox and the Yankees, Richardson joked: "This is the thing about me: I can bring people together. I can unify ... "

pandering asshole

I don't understand why politicians think they can get away with this crap. I hate the Yankees and Red Sox, and I'm angry with myself for contributing to any sort of discussion that focuses on The Two Teams In Baseball, but, seriously. Bill Richardson. What. The. Hell.

You just can't do this.

Especially these two teams. On the list of stupid things casual sports fans do, pulling the whole "I like BOTH rivals" nonsense ranks just behind realizing they've been lifetime fans miraculously at the same time that a given team experiences success and right ahead of every time they pull that, " That (Player X) guy (who is unfailingly like the best player on the team) is pretty great, how'd we get him again?"

Politicians, of course, are the worst sort when it comes to this, and Bill Richardson's display of casual fandom is just disgusting. It smacks of painfully typical politicking. "LOOK, I CAN APPEAL TO EVERYONE HEH HEH HEH" Shut the fuck up Bill Richardson and tell us your stance on gun control or something.

It's even worse that it's the Yankees and Red Sox. I mean when the mayor of Chicago proclaims he likes the White Sox and Cubs equally when they're playing because you can tell he doesn't give a shit about baseball and doesn't want to be bothered by it, you can let that slide. But for the governor of New Mexico, of all places, to proclaim both Yankees and Red Sox fandom is just entirely ridiculous. You can't do that. You just can't pick the two best teams in the league and then gleefully sing your love for both of them. Screw you if you think you can.

Jason Kendall Caught Billy Beane Sleeping With His Wife

This is Jason Kendall's wife. You may not be able to tell from this particular photo, but she is very attractive.



This is Billy Beane. He continues to employ Jason Kendall, who is now slugging the Mendoza Line. Well, I lie. The actual Mendoza Line is designed to explode before anyone can slug it, taking the player with it, so as to save us all from having to watch such atrocious batting of the baseball. Unfortunately, Jason Kendall's man-rific beard stubble and grittiness somehow saved him where lesser veterans like Tony Womack and Neifi Perez perished.

Anyway, the only rational explanation for the fact that, in light of Jason Kendall's survival from the Mendoza Line's self-destruct feature and continued willingness to suck hard at baseball, Billy Beane allows him to take at bats for the A's every day is this:

Jason Kendall caught Billy Beane sleeping with his (rather attractive) wife, and Billy feels awful about it, and so allows Jason the one joy left to him, that being playing baseball.

I was gonna go further with this, and describe the pain it is to watch Kendall hopelessly ground out every at bat, or come up with a man on first because you know he's going to lightly tap it to second and initiate a double play, but, really, this is more Kendall than is necessary. Especially for a bored, throwaway mid-afternoon post that was more an excuse to make the dumb Mendoza Line joke than anything else. And even that was only made because the image of Jason Kendall's man-grizzle deflecting exploding flames and debris brings me delight, not because it's really any funny.