Saturday, October 07, 2006

Kansas City Royals Commercials: FEEL THE DEPRESSION/HILARITY

While it's the postseason, and thats important to everyone, I feel a need to discuss Kansas City. I've been there once! Buck O'Neil tragically died today, before he got elected to the hall as an ambassador to the game as he rightfully deserved to be. So, I decided I have to talk about something regarding the Royals.

Here is why I love the Royals.

What I could do as a Mets fan (before this year) with Extra Innings was watch bad teams--astonishingly bad teams--and that would in turn make me feel better about how poor my team played. While doing this, I caught on to the Royals because a) they have their own sports network and b) they have really been the class of dreadful over the past 15 years or so.

Anyway, I was looking through some old dugouts and found a link to the Royals commercials. I already knew about them, RSTN is seriously one of my favorite networks ever. You can feel the depression oozing out of their announcers. But I'm so glad to see them on the internet that I figured they deserved a BREAKDOWN

*SZZHHWHEHEHWLQUWLWLWLY*


IM SEAN SALIBSURY AND I HATE YOU BALD WHITE MAN!


AHHH! AHHHHH! AHHHHHHHHHH!

Wait wrong show.

Celebrity Commercial - Depression Score: 7.5
Commercial starts out with Mark Teahen and Royals legend George Brett arguing over what Kansas City is. Unfortunately for Mark, his injuries may have also included brain damage, because George Brett is not a city. Kansas City is also apparently golfing with generic white guy if you are a manager. The Negro Leagues had a home base in Kansas City. Home run champion Mike Sweeney talks next to recently dead Buck O'Neil. Notice the key theme of these commercials is that the baseball is secondary. Theres a reason for that.

The rain at the end is very telling. Well, this is Kansas City.

This Is Kansas City 1 - Depression Score: 3.0
I mean, we basically could use the same jokes over and over again, but lets talk about how much money the old black lady had to pay to be in the commercial instead. Remember, RSTN, on their web site, actually gives you INFORMATION on how to get in touch to be a sponsor of the Royals. Thats how desperate they are. With this in mind, I can't imagine it was more than $20. I'm sure Mark Redman happily accepted it. What saves this commercial from being depressing? Slugger running around on a race track. Slugger is easily the second least depressing member of the Royals organization.

This Is Kansas City II - Depression Score: 6.0
What saves this from being even further down is Angel Berroa's amazing performance at the end, and the emphasis on showing us a giant shuttlecock as if that's something that people want to see. Look, even Slugger can't save a scene from being depressing when you act like you are proud because Sprint is housed there.

Wishing Well - Depression Score: 30.0
I showed this video to a friend of mine who barely knows baseball, and despite this, she said it was the most depressing thing she'd seen in months. That is some powerful depression.

Bloopers - Depression Score: -13.0
Angel Berroa has a spot on my team any day as long as he keeps being in commercials and screaming like a monkey.

Get Ready 1 - Depression Score: 6.0/-6.0
I can't decide whether putting a box of donuts on the infield dirt in order to make people want to come to games is one of the saddest things I've ever seen or the funniest things I've ever seen. Therefore, you get an in-between rating.

Get Ready 2 - Depression Score: -10.0
The fat kid fingering the hot dog like it's a saxaphone kills me every time. I had to view this commercial about 10 times before I could relax. Also, come on. The shirts say ketchup, mustard, and relish. Great promotion idea.

Furthermore, I'd like to say that if someone made a .gif of that closeup with Slugger tying his shoe and it slowly zooms out to his hollow creepy face, it would be a popular internet icon.

Get Ready 3 - Depression Score: who cares
I just want a Slugger growth chart really bad.

1 comment:

Mike Fireball said...

Thanks for the update on Buck, mysterious stranger. In addition to being the Dugout's behind-the-scenes man, I also run a Celebrity Death Toll Update, so I'll be sure to give him a proper tribute.

http://celebdeathtoll.livejournal.com