The Arizona Cardinals are not afraid of you, and they could almost beat your ass

~4:20 PM, Monday Night: Brandon's Facebook status: Brandon is convinced that the Chicago Bears are not afraid of anyone, and they will beat your ass.

~6:30 PM: I'm fucking nervous. I've been waiting for this football game all night, and kickoff's not for another hour. My internet just went out, so I have to occupy myself for an hour. I'm going to go crazy.

~6:45 PM: I'm playing Pokemon. Yeah, Pokemon. LeafGreen. I haven't figured out how to get to fucking Saffron City, because you can't just buy a water bottle anymore and give it to the guards.

~7:20 PM: Bears pregame on WLS-TV has been going for about 20 minutes now, everyone talking about how the Cardinals are going to get their asses kicked. Mark Giangreco says the game's gonna be over by halftime...he's almost right.

7:30 PM: Kickoff. [time of day now changes to time in game]

14:50, First Quarter: Joe Theisman keeps talking about how that first play of the game can turn shit around. Whatever, Joe. I still don't have the best feelings about the game tonight, but it's not going to be turned around by one play or anything.

7:00, First quarter: Ok Bears defense, what the fuck.

5:00, First quarter: Ok Bears offense, what the fuck.

4:00, First quarter: I hope the refs miss something on this challenge cos it's gonna go the other way.

3:30, First quarter: I'm eating. Constantly. It's what I do when I'm fucking nervous as shit. Fucking, whatever's in sight, I'm eating it. I don't care if it's inedible, I just need to be doing something so that I don't kill myself over the Bears game.

1:00, First quarter: Ok Bears defense, seriously, where the FUCK are you? (14-0 Arizona football Cardinals to end the first quarter)

Matt Leinart = king of America? It certainly appears so.

Second quarter, in general: ::headdesk::

Second quarter, in general: Rex Grossman can go suck a cock.

Second quarter, in general: On a scale from one to ten with one being the absense of madness, ten being the most madness, and five being neutral [that is to say, neither mad nor not mad], how mad was Joe Theisman when Charles Barkley said that he wasn't "stupid enough" to play football?

Halftime: 20-0. It's not the worst deficit ever. We're not talking about George W. Bush taking over the Clinton surplus or anything. It's not something we can't overcome. But right now, I'm just too fucking tense.

Halftime Facebook Status: Brandon is fucking worried as shit. 9:01pm

I'm trying to find things to do during halftime. I take a shit. Why? Well, I had to, for one. Second, it helps me forget about the fucking Bears right now. I change my clothes because, well, you never know. Potentially bad juju, I guess. They're talking about fucking Lou Pinella on the TV, and I just need to get out of there because I can't handle any more shitty things happening to my teams tonight. I need something rockin' to listen to on my CD player, but I find that I don't have anything. I need something loud that I can move to, but all I can find right now is fucking Iron & Wine and Sufjan Stevens and Feist. I need something loud. I settle for Cherub Rock by the Smashing Pumpkins. It doesn't quite do the trick, but whatever.

14:30, Third Quarter: My mom calls. Here's what you hear:

Hi. Yeah. Not good. No. Yeah. Maybe. Yes. Yes. Yes. No. Ok, love you, bye.

No, I wasn't completely listening to the conversation after the first three questions. For all we know, the question series could have gone a little something like this:

Hi Brandon. You watching the Bears? How are we doing? I found a 20 dollar bill on the floor today, you want it? Want me to bring home a couple of howler monkeys? FISCHBEIN? FISCHBEIN? FISCHBEIN? FISCHBEIN? U mad? See you later, love you, bye.

I flip to Studio 60 during a commercial. They're talking fast about something. I'll watch the tape later.

7:00, Third quarter: HOLY SHIT NO SHUTOUT!

7:00, Third quarter: Wait, pooch kickoff? Huh? Whatever.

6:00, Third quarter: ROUGHING THE FUCKING KICKER? WHAT THE FUCK!?!?!?!?!?

At this point I was convinced that we were going to lose the game. In the history of the Bears our favorite saying was that even though the Bears might be a really awful team, we'll still hurt you. We could be losing by a billion points, and we'll still hit you hard. So, I was saying that if we're going to lose the game, let's at least fucking TRUCK SOMEONE.

Then Mike Brown did. And it was decent.

2:00, Third quarter: Ok, second worst drive ever. At least they didn't get seven points. Three is fine, but it's still 23-3, and there are less than two minutes to go in the third quarter. Sexy Rexy has to channel Shane Matthews circa 2001, and he has to do it now

Bears last drive of third quarter: Three and out.

...so much for channeling Shane Matthews.

0:02, Third quarter: I do my best Hub Arkush. "BALL! BALL! BALL!" Then we score and I scream. 23-10.

Fourth quarter: Shit, Mike Brown's getting carted off. No 2001 magic tonight.

10:00, Fourth quarter: Another interception, Rex? You can't do that. Now you know people are going to start clammoring for Kyle Orton. It's coming, you know that, right? KYLE ORTON'S GOING TO TAKE YOUR JOB. People won't even remember that Brian Griese exists. Or you, for that matter.

Will Joe Theisman please, please, please, PLEASE shut the fuck up about the Cardinals play selection? I mean jesus christ, broham.

Phone call. What the fuck.

Nick: Brandon.
Brandon: Yeah [with a sense of urgency].
Nick: I found out how to get to Saffron.
Brandon: Oh?
Nick: You know in the building where you get Evee
Brandon: Yeah [hurry up brah, the Bears are on!]
Nick: Go in the front door instead, and talk to the woman, and she'll give you some tea, and use that.
Brandon: Ok, thanks, I'll try it, gotta go, bye.
Nick: Late::click::

5:00 Fourth quarter: WAIT THAT WAS A FUCKING FUMBLE OH MY FUCKING GOD! 23-17

Upon further review: So it's true...Brian Urlacher is a god, getting Edgerrin "LEMME BRING IT THA FUCK HOME" James to fumble.

I'm so fucking on edge right now. The Bears are gonna give me a fucking heart attack. I take a break and find the tea and go to Saffron city, but all during a commercial break. I love this but I can't stand it.

4:00 Fourth quarter: Ok, the offense can't have the ball back. It just can't. If we want to win this game the offense can't be on the field.

At this point, Tony Kornheiser suggests that the Cardinals pack it up and give up football if they lose this now.

3:00 Fourth quarter: DEVIN HESTER THOU HAST ANSWERED MY PRAYERS! Actual reaction: "OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!" [it's everybody's god, it's everybody's god, it's everybody's god] 24-23 Bears

Cardinals last drive: They're driving.

I suppose we can get some 2001 magic here. Martin Gramatica missed an easy field goal to end a game in 2001. We could use some of that right here.

::Neil Rackers week 6 pulls a Neil Rackers week 5::

Brandon: ::jawdrop::

Brandon: ::screams and shouts louder than he has watching any Bears game since that Browns game in 2001::


Next door:

Aunt: What's that noise?
Uncle: I think Brandon's doing it again.
Aunt: Oh?
::turn on Bears game::
Aunt: Yup, he is. Why don't you ever turn the game on before Brandon starts shouting?

Postgame Facebook status: Brandon is ZOMG THE CHICAGO FUCKING BEARS!!!!!!!!!!!!!11111111oneoneone
oneoneoneone!!eleven. 11:25pm