Saturday, September 30, 2006

Playoff Odds: Wacky ways the A's will lose in the playoffs this time

2006. The A's are once again, after a two year hiatus, in the playoffs. Which begs just one question: What fucked up way will they find to break my heart this year? Who will make us forget what a jackass Eric Byrnes is for pushing Jason Varitek but not bothering to touch home plate in 2003? Who could possibly look dumber than Miguel Tejada did standing in the middle between third and home in 2003? Is there any humanly possible way for someone to wrench my heart the way Jeremy Giambi did while not sliding in 2001? Probably, hopefully, please God, no. But I'll give you the odds anyway:

576,322:1- A's actually win series. I cry tears of joy at being able to finally care about an ALCS.

576,321:1- Upon getting there, Barry Zito decides to get a jumpstart on next year by signing with the Yankees and pitching against us.

150:1- Eric Chavez's infamous injured forearms fall off, forcing D'Angelo Jimenez and Antonio Perez into a platoon at third base. Think that over for a moment. A D'Angelo Jimenez and Antonio Perez platoon.

image courtesy of rebus of

125:1- Bobby Kielty decides it's a good idea to recreate this:

73:1- Esteban Loaiza, still drinking after AL West title celebration two weeks later, drives car into San Francisco Bay. As a result Kirk Saarloos makes a losing start.

44:1- Nick Swisher dissapears with this girl.

25:1- Ken Macha mispells Justin Duchscherer's last name on the playoff roster, leaving us with soccer player Aldo Duscher in the bullpen.

Throws a mean eephus.

10:1- Rich Harden throws pitch, dies.

7:1- Dan Haren, blazed out of his mind, falls asleep mid pitch, resulting in a hanging curveball that Magglio Ordonez takes deep for a walk off Game 5 win.

High as a muthafucka.

3:2- AgeGate 2006: Turns out Huston Street is actually 12 years old, and can no longer participate in Major League Baseball.

Definitely could pass for 15.

2:1- Frank Thomas and his broken body are recalled, A's score total of 2 unearned runs in 3 games.

Even- After a year of holding it all in, Milton Bradley snaps, murders Detroit Tigers. Accordingly, A's are disqualified from postseason.

lol miltonz in trouble.

Place your bets, kids.

1 comment:

My Blog said...

As a result Kirk Saarloos makes a losing start.