Friday, September 29, 2006

A little late, but...

Googling Brian Scalabrine, one of the key players in the Celtics' lottery season last year, you will notice the second link on the list is a link to his blog. I am going to analyze this blog, paragraph by paragraph, and point out just how much Brian lied.

"Hey Celtics Fans,

Brian Scalabrine here, just wanting to let you know that I’ll be writing my weekly blog for Celtics.com. In it I will be writing about the ins and outs of daily life in the NBA as a member of the Boston Celtics. So far training camp has been great - I am starting to adjust to the new system, and I hope, that sometime in the year 2005, I will make a jumper."

His slight acknowledgement of his lack of skill is somewhat endearing, but other than that, the whole paragraph is absolute bullshit. There's no way he adjusted to Doc Rivers' system, and I'm pretty sure he didn't hit a jumper until 2006.

"We have some very interesting concepts here at the Celtics. For instance, I just found out that they want us to eat pizza after games to help us fuel for the next game. Now this is a diet that I cannot recommend for you weekend warriors who already need to lose a few pounds, but it is the way that we do it here. We found out that Cinnamon Toast Crunch is the optimal breakfast food for performance - also not recommended for weekend warriors. I just hope I can stay lean with my new diet, because some fans might think that I look like a weekend warrior!"

If pizza and Cinnamon Toast Crunch are optimal for in-game performance, Scalabrine clearly has no team spirit and motivation. Had he bothered to eat these things, his PER would probably be higher than 5.9.

"Did anyone see the USC football game last Saturday against Notre Dame? Of course my Trojans pulled it out, but it was an ‘Instant Classic.’ USC has looked great at times, and then very shaky at other times, but I have to keep faith with my Trojans because they just have so much talent."

Despite Scalabrine's Alma Mater being USC, he is clearly a man who does not respect the traditions of his Irish heritage. Additionally, Brian probably should've spent those three hours learning how to pass, dribble, shoot, and play defense rather than, say, watching college athletes who could probably dominate him in a game of one-on-one. Football athletes, mind you.

"Yesterday we played my former team - the New Jersey Nets - and it was great to beat them the way we did (for those of you who don't watch the pre-season we won by 30 pts), and it was also great to see my old friends from the Nets. J-Kidd took the day off, and in turn so did the rest of the Nets. But I think that they will be ready to go on Tuesday when we play them in New Jersey."

Don't really have a problem with this, seeing as how Brian gives the impression that he watched the game, as opposed to playing in it.

"Each week I am going to give you an ‘MVP of the Week’ but it is going to be a little different than the typical MVP that you see others get. It will sort of be like Brian Scalabrine's MVP, based off of players I think hooped for that week. This week I picked ‘The Original Greene,’ aka OG, aka ‘The Big O part 2.’ I thought ‘OG’ played great, and really pushed the ball when he got the opportunity; he, like me, has still not made a jump shot, but he did all the things that make him my MVP."

Oh, great pick of Orien Greene, Brian. Orien racked up a mean 8.3 points per 40 minutes in the 05-06 season, along with an impressive 6.5 PER. I figure this was just an attempt to get the rookies on Brian's side. With Gerald in the NBDL, and Ryan Gomes busy with a KFC bucket, Orien was the only rookie left. Brian has a lot of street cred, and if he was to get beaten up by a rookie out of Louisiana-Lafayette, it would look bad. So good move, Brian.

"Not bad for my first blog but I promise I will get better next time.

Brian"

His signature should be "Scalabrine Out." I haven't read any of his other entries yet, and for good reason, but it's safe to assume that they were just as fraudulent as his first. Brian Scalabrine is a fraud, ladies and gentleman. That's all there is to it.

1 comment:

Clay Bethelbridge said...

Who is this Brian guy? He sounds like a loser. They should fire him.